After almost an year...

Could not think of another title for this post. Yes, close to an year since my last post. My life has been pretty hectic for the past 7-8 months. Lot of changes, happiness, sorrow, ups, downs; in short a mix of everything. Where do I start ? Guess I will start from the time of my last post. Last April, was released from the project I was working for 4 yrs and got into a new project. A new project, which was on a totally new product - everything new. First project for the company on that product and I was put onto testing side. Testing is definitely not where I see my career, but I took it as an opportunity to learn the product, especially when no one is available to help in anyway. It definitely was a challenge, but then managed to learn it and prove myself. My career has been different and life has been hell since last June. This project has given me the exposure I needed, the growth I always wanted and added to it a lot of things I never wanted as well. Part of life - life is not always a bed of roses. First moved to the role of an unofficial team lead and then an official team lead. Got the chance to work with some good people and some terrible people - both a learning experience for me and it is still continuing. Best of all, I am being appreciated for what I have done and doing even now. Now I am forced to do a lot of things that I don't like and am bad at it, and this is not where I see myself in my career. Lets see, how it goes. The best thing that happened is I got to go to the UK. After my return from US, never thought I would ever go abroad and that too in less than a year. Sometimes life is not what we expect it to be. Past few months, a lot of unexpected things have been happening.Things that I thought would never happen, have happened. Made a lot of new friends and got back a lot of old friends - been out with them shopping, sightseeing, trips, dinners, drives and what not. Fought with some of them and also made up with some of them.Suddenly today, when I believe my life is moving to the next stage... I feel I am missing all of them. Probably because of the fact that things will never be the same anymore. I went through the 14 odd GB of photos on my laptop, was thinking of all the times spent with friends. Sometimes I wish life should just stop, come to a stage when nothing will change. Just feel like holding onto everything at that moment and not let anything change. Some moments in life, you wish would never change. And some moments in life which you wish would just go away from your memory, which you wish would have never happened at all. Don't know why I am in a nostalgic mood now, and wish I could go back in time, just to experience all those special moments I have spent with everyone once again.

Its yesterday once more....

What was my mistake?

I have been asking myself this question for the past 2 days. But not yet been able to find an answer to it. What have I done wrong? What was my mistake? How have I hurt you? Just want to know only that much, nothing else. I don't want you to change whatever decision you have taken. You decided to walk in one day and now you decide to walk off. Fine, I have no issues with it. I have learnt to live with such situations in life. I will just go back to my life the way it was 8 months ago. I can live my life on my own. But I want to know where I went wrong this time....

Thoughts.....

Been long time, since I wrote some thing, I know. Came back to Bangalore, been busy with settling down in office, no full time access to the internet,etc etc. I know, just some excuses. Well right now, I logged in to work on a presentation which I am supposed to finish by Tuesday morning and I have just started on it. But then, I get this sudden urge to scribble some thing over here.

Sometimes a lot of things which you want to forget, keep coming back to your mind. However hard you try to forget them, once in a while they do a rewind and play. You dont want to bring back any of these thoughts. But somewhere deep down in your heart, you still have those feelings with you. Do you really have those feelings? You know where all it has taken you through and you know it is not going to take you to any new place either. So then why? I don't have an answer.

Then there are some other thoughts, which you are not letting yourself to even think. Its not because you don't like these thoughts, you just don't want these thoughts to get into your head. Is it just because you are scared, or is it because you are the only one doing the thinking, or is it because it will continue to remain just as thoughts, reaching no where. Again I don't have an answer.

Well, I just wish some time all these thoughts come to an end. Till then, just trying to stay unattached to all such thoughts and trying to enjoy life in other ways. Frankly, I wish I could just hug someone now and cry for a while.

????????

Sometimes all you have around you is just question marks ? A lot of questions attacking you.. You don't know what to do, don't know what you want because of these questions. Maybe once in a while, its ok to not find answers to all the questions in your life. One answer will contradict another answer, leaving you all the more confused. So don't you think I should just try to stop finding the answers to all the questions of life ? Face life the way it comes, instead of finding answers and living according to them. Do what you think is making you happy today, be a little selfish and turn a blind eye to others feelings. Its so easily said, but can you really turn a blind eye to the feelings of everyone ? You know you cant be happy if everyone is not happy, so you have to hurt some one or the other. Whom do you want to hurt ? You need to hurt some one to make some one else happy.. But you know that either way, you are not going to be fully happy because you have to hurt people whom you care for. So which unlucky person do you want to hurt ? Who do you think can suffer the impact of hurting them ? Be selfish, give them a little bit of pain and make the others happy.

"Hamara kal hamare aaj pe tika hai. Hum aaj jo faisla karte hain, woh hamare kal ka faisla karta hai.Sahi aur galat ke beech faisla karna aasan hai. Lekin, do sahi raaston mein behtar chunna .. aur dogalat raaston mein munasib chunna... Yehi faisle hamare zindagi ke faisle karte hain...."

Breaking the walls

Life makes you go through lots of ups and downs. Most of the time we spend thinking about the downs in life and dealing with them. We tend to lose ourselves when going through the down times, especially when there is no one you can depend on.

To deal with the problems you are going through, you build high walls all around and protect yourself. You don't let others to see you beyond the walls. You are protected on all sides by this wall. Everyone knows your smiling face from outside the wall. No one can climb over the wall and hurt you. You are safe and sound. No one tries to jump over the wall and see what is on the other side and even if some one tries you just don't let them climb the walls. But in the process of safe guarding yourself, you lock up a lot of things which mean a lot to you. Your emotions, feelings, happiness, sorrow, dreams and a lot of small things of life which you cared for. Even you forget what all you have kept locked.. they are no more part of you... Some of it happens involuntarily, you don't even realise it... You live happily with these walls around you... safe..

Then all of sudden from no where, some one comes and tries to climb this wall. Tries to see what is beyond the wall, and as usual you try to stop them. But this person is very strong, he keeps trying and slowly starts to break the walls.. You are not sure what to do.. whether to let him continue or stop him like everyone else. You never realised that some one would come and break the wall, an unexpected attack. So you let him tear down the wall part by part and let them see what is hidden behind the wall. Then you realise that the wall had created a different world for you. You were indifferent to the happenings around you, you were not concerned about the feelings of people, you were just a spectator to all that's happening, you didn't allow yourself to get involved with anything including your feelings.

Suddenly when the wall comes down, you realise that there were a lot of things which you actually missed, your dreams, happiness, sorrow, feelings everything comes rushing back to you. You realise you have changed a lot, things you could do easily earlier, now don't come to you so fast. Those things don't even strike your mind. You think how you could change so much.. they were so much part of you and now its like you have lost all of them.. Even when you make a conscious effort to bring them back, it does not come back.. How can you be like this without any feelings ? But you know you are excited about this new change that has come, you start to appreciate the small things in life which make so much difference to you. These small things were what you always wanted and enjoyed. Everything seems like a fairytale, too true to believe.

Amidst this new found excitement, you then face a series of questions from different sides. Why did you let the walls be broken down? Whats the reason for it? Was it really required ? You begin to doubt yourself.. you were safe behind the walls. With no walls, will you be safe ? Right now you maybe, but for how long? Are you going to through the same path again and be hurt again ? You want to believe whats happening around you without the walls. You are scared that the wonderland you are living in will disappear all of a sudden. But something tells you to go forward, don't build the walls again. You enjoy life without the walls, cos thats what you always wanted. You know its not going to stay for a long time. Things will change, it has to change. You don't know what will happen. Why not enjoy and be happy when you have the chance to be. Maybe some one likes the way you are without the walls. If you can make a positive difference at least for a short while, still better. At least there will be some good memories to think about and be happy. So lets enjoy life without the walls till its possible.. Rest we will see later....

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened....."

A different weekend...

Its Sunday night now, and what makes me to put up a post at this point of time. This weekend was very different.. a different experience in my life.... Life is constantly offering a lot of new experiences and surprises...
I started blogging to just let out of my feelings and there was no other intention behind it. I never wanted or rather expected some one to read and understand me through the blog. But I guess people have started understanding me better through my posts.. Got acquainted with new people through this blog world.. A different experience.. Made a new friend through the blog.. We started chatting.. chatting as in nonstop for couple of hours... and then finally today we met in person... A friend from the virtual world come into real life.. The tensions of meeting a person whom you know only through the cyber world was there.. It took a while to break the ice.. and talk freely..
Hey friend... Thanks a lot for being my friend and hope we are able to keep up our friendship life long...

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with friendship.."

Once again...

Once again, looks like my mind is going out of my control. The same anger is taking control over me. I don't like it, I don't like the way I am now...

I know what has provoked my anger.. Effect of the doings of one particular person in office.. I hate that person... But I cant say anything against it. Not only because of the effect on my so called appraisals, but it will cause more mental stress. I will have to go through more torture if I say anything back. And when I talk when I am angry, there is no control. All wanted and unwanted stuff I will blabber.. I wont mean half of what I say when I am angry. But the harm will be done by the time I cool down.

Not able to concentrate on any work, neither in office nor any personal stuff. This is the only thing that's running through my head like poison. So all that frustration is building up in me and I am letting it out on others who have no clue as to what is happening with me.

Normally if I talk to someone about it, I will feel better. But in this case, its not helping. I have been literally cribbing to every other person who spares even 2 mins listening to me.

Yesterday I was so angry that I cried in front of S. He thought I was crying because he was teasing me about something.

This is the same state I was, just before leaving from Bangalore. Its so funny, how a single person can change your mood so much na ? I don't how people can be so senseless or rather so stupid?

Maybe I am over reacting to all this.. maybe its a very small thing which I should just ignore instead of giving it so much importance and spoiling my mood.. But I am not able to do it. I hate that person so much, that any small thing done by that person irritates me.

Alright forget everything, to hell with that person. Like my best friend says, "poyi vere pani nokan para ayalode.." right? Don't bother about it.. Some people don't change and you cant change them.. so forget it...

That dialog somehow brings a smile on my face and makes me forget things which hurt me and don't want to remember. It makes me feel much better and look at things in a different way.

And the good news is I am going back to Bangalore. Today I complete 6 months in US, and now its time to pack back to Swades. By mid of next month I will be back, at least I am hoping so. Need to confirm my return dates with my manager. Definitely by next month, not beyond that. Its not that I am home sick and want to come back. But pressures, pressures, pressures from everywhere so need to land back very soon. So I don't really have a choice to stay back, though there is the opportunity. I definitely miss Bangalore and more than anything I miss my car. Getting my hands on my car and meeting up with friends is what I am looking forward to.. There are very few friends left in Bangalore, all of them spread across various countries of the world. But at least some one is there.. so looking forward to meeting all of you guys...

Bangalore... I am coming back...

Dear Friend...

I know I am not supposed to be doing this right now during office hours.
I have got some crap coding to do , but somehow I just can’t put my mind to it right now.
So decided to pen down whatever is in my mind.

You feel so disappointed when you can’t do something to help a person in need. You just don’t know what to do. The fact is, one of my close friend is going through a tough phase in life. I don’t know what to tell the person and comfort. I don’t know what comforting words to tell, because I myself don’t believe in whatever I am saying. For every comforting sentence I try to say, I am getting questioned back. All I can do is just listen to whatever this person has to tell, but this person is not even talking. Well there is nothing much to say. Whatever has happened, has happened. You can’t sit and talk about it when you know nothing is going to change.
What would you do when you have longed for something so much, you have prayed for it, taken so much pain and in the end you lose it. Why doesn’t God listen to such sincere prayers ? Not just the prayers of one single person, a lot of people’s prayers for the very same thing. I guess the sorrow caused to us by not answering our prayers will be less, when compared to the sorrows caused to a lot of other people by answering our prayers. That’s the only comforting thing I can find.
You feel so helpless in such situations. Especially when you owe so much to this person. A person who has helped me a lot, who has saved me from a sinking ship. Got me up on my own legs, changed the whole world for me. Helped me through the most rough phase of my life. The person who gave me a lot of courage to face the tough situation, showed me what is right and wrong. I know how this person feels since I have gone through something like this in my life, but not to this extend.
Dear friend, I know that anything I say right now will not make sense to you. I can understand what you are going through. I know I do not have comforting words for you right now. But if at all there is anything I can do to help you, please tell me. You can call or mail me any time you want to talk. My prayers will always be with you.

“Sometimes you just have to turn your back and walk away....Whether you walking out on your friends, your family, or the love of your life...Sometimes walking away is the hardest thing to do but the best thing in the end.......”

West Coast trip....

Hey... long break from the blog world. As I mentioned in the first post, I am a very lazy person. I was a bit lazy ( rather way too lazy ) to just write down stuff here though I was constantly blogging in my mind. Had lot of stuff to pen down, but never got myself to do it.

So ya, a quick recap where I have been hiding. Went on a week long trip to west coast. Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, San Deigo, Los Angeles are the places we tried to cover in 6 days time.

Grand Canyon is an such an awesome place... I just loved it. We just covered like 1/100th of that place. But it was amazing. I really would like to go their again. Go for trekking or take the helicopter ride over there. There is so much more to see. I want to go down to the bottom of the canyon, near the Colarado river.

Then went to Las Vegas, the happening place. A place with lot n lots of casinos and people. Its such a crowded place. I was seeing a casino for the first time, and I never knew what happened in there actually. Its a place which makes full utilization of a man's weakness to earn more money in the easiest possible way. A nice place in a different way. I dont think I am that keen on visting once again. A one-time visit place for people like me.

San Deigo was our next destination. Went to the Sea world there... The Dolphin and the Shamu show were the best there. Its a huge place, missed a lot of stuff there. But had fun, the time we spent there.

Next we went to DisneyLand. It was a dream come true for me. From the time I was a kid, I always wanted to visit Disney Land. I just loved being in this place.. Its such a hugggeeeeeeee place. Acres n acres of land spread across.. with lot of exciting stuff.. All the cartoon characters that we have seen and grown up, all of it you will find it here. A dream land in its true sense. I was with the mature people's group, so didnt get a lot of chance to see a lot of kid stuff. This place reminded of the good old days when watching cartoons was my favourite past time. I used to wait to get back from school and watch cartoons in our alloted time slot. Not a min more or a min we were allowed to watch cartoons, with the exception of weekends.

Then the Universal Studios.. I am not a keen watcher of English movies, so this place did not catch my atraction that much. They did show us the different tricks that they do and create the world's best and award winning movies. There were the different rides and shows over here. All together it was a nice place, but not upto Disney Land.

So ya the Grand Canyon and Disney Land, I would love to visit these places again.

All together, the trip was good... got to see a lot of places.. but hectic..since we tried to cover a lot of places in a short time.

Back to my normal senses..

After a long time, I have come back to my normal senses today. I feel so relieved or happy.. I don't know what words to put in to describe my current state. Past few weeks, I have been living in an altogether different world. Now I am back, with all the lessons learnt from that world.

Nothing specific happened, that made me come back to this world. I just feel soooooo happy that I am back to normal. Talked to an old friend of mine today, and it just enhanced my happiness. I guess everyone needs the reassurance that you are not alone and there is some one or the other who cares for you. Moving forward in life, a lot of things change and we need to get adapted to it. And I take a lot of time to get adjusted to the changed environments, be it family or friends.

I have changed myself a lot in the past few months and I just realised it today. For eg:- I was not a person who would give it back to a person. I never used to argue back, irrespective of whether I was right or wrong. I would let the other person assume he was right. Nowadays I noticed that I have changed, I give it back without thinking for a sec. I don't know if I am doing the right thing or not. I just hope it doesn't cause any problems.

Oh yes.. I feel so peaceful. My mind seems to be in my control. I just wish I had some one next to me share this feeling right now.. I feel like jumping around. I know its very difficult to understand me, some times I myself cant understand ;)...