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Sometimes all you have around you is just question marks ? A lot of questions attacking you.. You don't know what to do, don't know what you want because of these questions. Maybe once in a while, its ok to not find answers to all the questions in your life. One answer will contradict another answer, leaving you all the more confused. So don't you think I should just try to stop finding the answers to all the questions of life ? Face life the way it comes, instead of finding answers and living according to them. Do what you think is making you happy today, be a little selfish and turn a blind eye to others feelings. Its so easily said, but can you really turn a blind eye to the feelings of everyone ? You know you cant be happy if everyone is not happy, so you have to hurt some one or the other. Whom do you want to hurt ? You need to hurt some one to make some one else happy.. But you know that either way, you are not going to be fully happy because you have to hurt people whom you care for. So which unlucky person do you want to hurt ? Who do you think can suffer the impact of hurting them ? Be selfish, give them a little bit of pain and make the others happy.

"Hamara kal hamare aaj pe tika hai. Hum aaj jo faisla karte hain, woh hamare kal ka faisla karta hai.Sahi aur galat ke beech faisla karna aasan hai. Lekin, do sahi raaston mein behtar chunna .. aur dogalat raaston mein munasib chunna... Yehi faisle hamare zindagi ke faisle karte hain...."

Breaking the walls

Life makes you go through lots of ups and downs. Most of the time we spend thinking about the downs in life and dealing with them. We tend to lose ourselves when going through the down times, especially when there is no one you can depend on.

To deal with the problems you are going through, you build high walls all around and protect yourself. You don't let others to see you beyond the walls. You are protected on all sides by this wall. Everyone knows your smiling face from outside the wall. No one can climb over the wall and hurt you. You are safe and sound. No one tries to jump over the wall and see what is on the other side and even if some one tries you just don't let them climb the walls. But in the process of safe guarding yourself, you lock up a lot of things which mean a lot to you. Your emotions, feelings, happiness, sorrow, dreams and a lot of small things of life which you cared for. Even you forget what all you have kept locked.. they are no more part of you... Some of it happens involuntarily, you don't even realise it... You live happily with these walls around you... safe..

Then all of sudden from no where, some one comes and tries to climb this wall. Tries to see what is beyond the wall, and as usual you try to stop them. But this person is very strong, he keeps trying and slowly starts to break the walls.. You are not sure what to do.. whether to let him continue or stop him like everyone else. You never realised that some one would come and break the wall, an unexpected attack. So you let him tear down the wall part by part and let them see what is hidden behind the wall. Then you realise that the wall had created a different world for you. You were indifferent to the happenings around you, you were not concerned about the feelings of people, you were just a spectator to all that's happening, you didn't allow yourself to get involved with anything including your feelings.

Suddenly when the wall comes down, you realise that there were a lot of things which you actually missed, your dreams, happiness, sorrow, feelings everything comes rushing back to you. You realise you have changed a lot, things you could do easily earlier, now don't come to you so fast. Those things don't even strike your mind. You think how you could change so much.. they were so much part of you and now its like you have lost all of them.. Even when you make a conscious effort to bring them back, it does not come back.. How can you be like this without any feelings ? But you know you are excited about this new change that has come, you start to appreciate the small things in life which make so much difference to you. These small things were what you always wanted and enjoyed. Everything seems like a fairytale, too true to believe.

Amidst this new found excitement, you then face a series of questions from different sides. Why did you let the walls be broken down? Whats the reason for it? Was it really required ? You begin to doubt yourself.. you were safe behind the walls. With no walls, will you be safe ? Right now you maybe, but for how long? Are you going to through the same path again and be hurt again ? You want to believe whats happening around you without the walls. You are scared that the wonderland you are living in will disappear all of a sudden. But something tells you to go forward, don't build the walls again. You enjoy life without the walls, cos thats what you always wanted. You know its not going to stay for a long time. Things will change, it has to change. You don't know what will happen. Why not enjoy and be happy when you have the chance to be. Maybe some one likes the way you are without the walls. If you can make a positive difference at least for a short while, still better. At least there will be some good memories to think about and be happy. So lets enjoy life without the walls till its possible.. Rest we will see later....

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened....."

A different weekend...

Its Sunday night now, and what makes me to put up a post at this point of time. This weekend was very different.. a different experience in my life.... Life is constantly offering a lot of new experiences and surprises...
I started blogging to just let out of my feelings and there was no other intention behind it. I never wanted or rather expected some one to read and understand me through the blog. But I guess people have started understanding me better through my posts.. Got acquainted with new people through this blog world.. A different experience.. Made a new friend through the blog.. We started chatting.. chatting as in nonstop for couple of hours... and then finally today we met in person... A friend from the virtual world come into real life.. The tensions of meeting a person whom you know only through the cyber world was there.. It took a while to break the ice.. and talk freely..
Hey friend... Thanks a lot for being my friend and hope we are able to keep up our friendship life long...

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with friendship.."

Once again...

Once again, looks like my mind is going out of my control. The same anger is taking control over me. I don't like it, I don't like the way I am now...

I know what has provoked my anger.. Effect of the doings of one particular person in office.. I hate that person... But I cant say anything against it. Not only because of the effect on my so called appraisals, but it will cause more mental stress. I will have to go through more torture if I say anything back. And when I talk when I am angry, there is no control. All wanted and unwanted stuff I will blabber.. I wont mean half of what I say when I am angry. But the harm will be done by the time I cool down.

Not able to concentrate on any work, neither in office nor any personal stuff. This is the only thing that's running through my head like poison. So all that frustration is building up in me and I am letting it out on others who have no clue as to what is happening with me.

Normally if I talk to someone about it, I will feel better. But in this case, its not helping. I have been literally cribbing to every other person who spares even 2 mins listening to me.

Yesterday I was so angry that I cried in front of S. He thought I was crying because he was teasing me about something.

This is the same state I was, just before leaving from Bangalore. Its so funny, how a single person can change your mood so much na ? I don't how people can be so senseless or rather so stupid?

Maybe I am over reacting to all this.. maybe its a very small thing which I should just ignore instead of giving it so much importance and spoiling my mood.. But I am not able to do it. I hate that person so much, that any small thing done by that person irritates me.

Alright forget everything, to hell with that person. Like my best friend says, "poyi vere pani nokan para ayalode.." right? Don't bother about it.. Some people don't change and you cant change them.. so forget it...

That dialog somehow brings a smile on my face and makes me forget things which hurt me and don't want to remember. It makes me feel much better and look at things in a different way.

And the good news is I am going back to Bangalore. Today I complete 6 months in US, and now its time to pack back to Swades. By mid of next month I will be back, at least I am hoping so. Need to confirm my return dates with my manager. Definitely by next month, not beyond that. Its not that I am home sick and want to come back. But pressures, pressures, pressures from everywhere so need to land back very soon. So I don't really have a choice to stay back, though there is the opportunity. I definitely miss Bangalore and more than anything I miss my car. Getting my hands on my car and meeting up with friends is what I am looking forward to.. There are very few friends left in Bangalore, all of them spread across various countries of the world. But at least some one is there.. so looking forward to meeting all of you guys...

Bangalore... I am coming back...