????????

Sometimes all you have around you is just question marks ? A lot of questions attacking you.. You don't know what to do, don't know what you want because of these questions. Maybe once in a while, its ok to not find answers to all the questions in your life. One answer will contradict another answer, leaving you all the more confused. So don't you think I should just try to stop finding the answers to all the questions of life ? Face life the way it comes, instead of finding answers and living according to them. Do what you think is making you happy today, be a little selfish and turn a blind eye to others feelings. Its so easily said, but can you really turn a blind eye to the feelings of everyone ? You know you cant be happy if everyone is not happy, so you have to hurt some one or the other. Whom do you want to hurt ? You need to hurt some one to make some one else happy.. But you know that either way, you are not going to be fully happy because you have to hurt people whom you care for. So which unlucky person do you want to hurt ? Who do you think can suffer the impact of hurting them ? Be selfish, give them a little bit of pain and make the others happy.

"Hamara kal hamare aaj pe tika hai. Hum aaj jo faisla karte hain, woh hamare kal ka faisla karta hai.Sahi aur galat ke beech faisla karna aasan hai. Lekin, do sahi raaston mein behtar chunna .. aur dogalat raaston mein munasib chunna... Yehi faisle hamare zindagi ke faisle karte hain...."

Breaking the walls

Life makes you go through lots of ups and downs. Most of the time we spend thinking about the downs in life and dealing with them. We tend to lose ourselves when going through the down times, especially when there is no one you can depend on.

To deal with the problems you are going through, you build high walls all around and protect yourself. You don't let others to see you beyond the walls. You are protected on all sides by this wall. Everyone knows your smiling face from outside the wall. No one can climb over the wall and hurt you. You are safe and sound. No one tries to jump over the wall and see what is on the other side and even if some one tries you just don't let them climb the walls. But in the process of safe guarding yourself, you lock up a lot of things which mean a lot to you. Your emotions, feelings, happiness, sorrow, dreams and a lot of small things of life which you cared for. Even you forget what all you have kept locked.. they are no more part of you... Some of it happens involuntarily, you don't even realise it... You live happily with these walls around you... safe..

Then all of sudden from no where, some one comes and tries to climb this wall. Tries to see what is beyond the wall, and as usual you try to stop them. But this person is very strong, he keeps trying and slowly starts to break the walls.. You are not sure what to do.. whether to let him continue or stop him like everyone else. You never realised that some one would come and break the wall, an unexpected attack. So you let him tear down the wall part by part and let them see what is hidden behind the wall. Then you realise that the wall had created a different world for you. You were indifferent to the happenings around you, you were not concerned about the feelings of people, you were just a spectator to all that's happening, you didn't allow yourself to get involved with anything including your feelings.

Suddenly when the wall comes down, you realise that there were a lot of things which you actually missed, your dreams, happiness, sorrow, feelings everything comes rushing back to you. You realise you have changed a lot, things you could do easily earlier, now don't come to you so fast. Those things don't even strike your mind. You think how you could change so much.. they were so much part of you and now its like you have lost all of them.. Even when you make a conscious effort to bring them back, it does not come back.. How can you be like this without any feelings ? But you know you are excited about this new change that has come, you start to appreciate the small things in life which make so much difference to you. These small things were what you always wanted and enjoyed. Everything seems like a fairytale, too true to believe.

Amidst this new found excitement, you then face a series of questions from different sides. Why did you let the walls be broken down? Whats the reason for it? Was it really required ? You begin to doubt yourself.. you were safe behind the walls. With no walls, will you be safe ? Right now you maybe, but for how long? Are you going to through the same path again and be hurt again ? You want to believe whats happening around you without the walls. You are scared that the wonderland you are living in will disappear all of a sudden. But something tells you to go forward, don't build the walls again. You enjoy life without the walls, cos thats what you always wanted. You know its not going to stay for a long time. Things will change, it has to change. You don't know what will happen. Why not enjoy and be happy when you have the chance to be. Maybe some one likes the way you are without the walls. If you can make a positive difference at least for a short while, still better. At least there will be some good memories to think about and be happy. So lets enjoy life without the walls till its possible.. Rest we will see later....

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened....."

A different weekend...

Its Sunday night now, and what makes me to put up a post at this point of time. This weekend was very different.. a different experience in my life.... Life is constantly offering a lot of new experiences and surprises...
I started blogging to just let out of my feelings and there was no other intention behind it. I never wanted or rather expected some one to read and understand me through the blog. But I guess people have started understanding me better through my posts.. Got acquainted with new people through this blog world.. A different experience.. Made a new friend through the blog.. We started chatting.. chatting as in nonstop for couple of hours... and then finally today we met in person... A friend from the virtual world come into real life.. The tensions of meeting a person whom you know only through the cyber world was there.. It took a while to break the ice.. and talk freely..
Hey friend... Thanks a lot for being my friend and hope we are able to keep up our friendship life long...

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with friendship.."

Once again...

Once again, looks like my mind is going out of my control. The same anger is taking control over me. I don't like it, I don't like the way I am now...

I know what has provoked my anger.. Effect of the doings of one particular person in office.. I hate that person... But I cant say anything against it. Not only because of the effect on my so called appraisals, but it will cause more mental stress. I will have to go through more torture if I say anything back. And when I talk when I am angry, there is no control. All wanted and unwanted stuff I will blabber.. I wont mean half of what I say when I am angry. But the harm will be done by the time I cool down.

Not able to concentrate on any work, neither in office nor any personal stuff. This is the only thing that's running through my head like poison. So all that frustration is building up in me and I am letting it out on others who have no clue as to what is happening with me.

Normally if I talk to someone about it, I will feel better. But in this case, its not helping. I have been literally cribbing to every other person who spares even 2 mins listening to me.

Yesterday I was so angry that I cried in front of S. He thought I was crying because he was teasing me about something.

This is the same state I was, just before leaving from Bangalore. Its so funny, how a single person can change your mood so much na ? I don't how people can be so senseless or rather so stupid?

Maybe I am over reacting to all this.. maybe its a very small thing which I should just ignore instead of giving it so much importance and spoiling my mood.. But I am not able to do it. I hate that person so much, that any small thing done by that person irritates me.

Alright forget everything, to hell with that person. Like my best friend says, "poyi vere pani nokan para ayalode.." right? Don't bother about it.. Some people don't change and you cant change them.. so forget it...

That dialog somehow brings a smile on my face and makes me forget things which hurt me and don't want to remember. It makes me feel much better and look at things in a different way.

And the good news is I am going back to Bangalore. Today I complete 6 months in US, and now its time to pack back to Swades. By mid of next month I will be back, at least I am hoping so. Need to confirm my return dates with my manager. Definitely by next month, not beyond that. Its not that I am home sick and want to come back. But pressures, pressures, pressures from everywhere so need to land back very soon. So I don't really have a choice to stay back, though there is the opportunity. I definitely miss Bangalore and more than anything I miss my car. Getting my hands on my car and meeting up with friends is what I am looking forward to.. There are very few friends left in Bangalore, all of them spread across various countries of the world. But at least some one is there.. so looking forward to meeting all of you guys...

Bangalore... I am coming back...

Dear Friend...

I know I am not supposed to be doing this right now during office hours.
I have got some crap coding to do , but somehow I just can’t put my mind to it right now.
So decided to pen down whatever is in my mind.

You feel so disappointed when you can’t do something to help a person in need. You just don’t know what to do. The fact is, one of my close friend is going through a tough phase in life. I don’t know what to tell the person and comfort. I don’t know what comforting words to tell, because I myself don’t believe in whatever I am saying. For every comforting sentence I try to say, I am getting questioned back. All I can do is just listen to whatever this person has to tell, but this person is not even talking. Well there is nothing much to say. Whatever has happened, has happened. You can’t sit and talk about it when you know nothing is going to change.
What would you do when you have longed for something so much, you have prayed for it, taken so much pain and in the end you lose it. Why doesn’t God listen to such sincere prayers ? Not just the prayers of one single person, a lot of people’s prayers for the very same thing. I guess the sorrow caused to us by not answering our prayers will be less, when compared to the sorrows caused to a lot of other people by answering our prayers. That’s the only comforting thing I can find.
You feel so helpless in such situations. Especially when you owe so much to this person. A person who has helped me a lot, who has saved me from a sinking ship. Got me up on my own legs, changed the whole world for me. Helped me through the most rough phase of my life. The person who gave me a lot of courage to face the tough situation, showed me what is right and wrong. I know how this person feels since I have gone through something like this in my life, but not to this extend.
Dear friend, I know that anything I say right now will not make sense to you. I can understand what you are going through. I know I do not have comforting words for you right now. But if at all there is anything I can do to help you, please tell me. You can call or mail me any time you want to talk. My prayers will always be with you.

“Sometimes you just have to turn your back and walk away....Whether you walking out on your friends, your family, or the love of your life...Sometimes walking away is the hardest thing to do but the best thing in the end.......”

West Coast trip....

Hey... long break from the blog world. As I mentioned in the first post, I am a very lazy person. I was a bit lazy ( rather way too lazy ) to just write down stuff here though I was constantly blogging in my mind. Had lot of stuff to pen down, but never got myself to do it.

So ya, a quick recap where I have been hiding. Went on a week long trip to west coast. Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, San Deigo, Los Angeles are the places we tried to cover in 6 days time.

Grand Canyon is an such an awesome place... I just loved it. We just covered like 1/100th of that place. But it was amazing. I really would like to go their again. Go for trekking or take the helicopter ride over there. There is so much more to see. I want to go down to the bottom of the canyon, near the Colarado river.

Then went to Las Vegas, the happening place. A place with lot n lots of casinos and people. Its such a crowded place. I was seeing a casino for the first time, and I never knew what happened in there actually. Its a place which makes full utilization of a man's weakness to earn more money in the easiest possible way. A nice place in a different way. I dont think I am that keen on visting once again. A one-time visit place for people like me.

San Deigo was our next destination. Went to the Sea world there... The Dolphin and the Shamu show were the best there. Its a huge place, missed a lot of stuff there. But had fun, the time we spent there.

Next we went to DisneyLand. It was a dream come true for me. From the time I was a kid, I always wanted to visit Disney Land. I just loved being in this place.. Its such a hugggeeeeeeee place. Acres n acres of land spread across.. with lot of exciting stuff.. All the cartoon characters that we have seen and grown up, all of it you will find it here. A dream land in its true sense. I was with the mature people's group, so didnt get a lot of chance to see a lot of kid stuff. This place reminded of the good old days when watching cartoons was my favourite past time. I used to wait to get back from school and watch cartoons in our alloted time slot. Not a min more or a min we were allowed to watch cartoons, with the exception of weekends.

Then the Universal Studios.. I am not a keen watcher of English movies, so this place did not catch my atraction that much. They did show us the different tricks that they do and create the world's best and award winning movies. There were the different rides and shows over here. All together it was a nice place, but not upto Disney Land.

So ya the Grand Canyon and Disney Land, I would love to visit these places again.

All together, the trip was good... got to see a lot of places.. but hectic..since we tried to cover a lot of places in a short time.

Back to my normal senses..

After a long time, I have come back to my normal senses today. I feel so relieved or happy.. I don't know what words to put in to describe my current state. Past few weeks, I have been living in an altogether different world. Now I am back, with all the lessons learnt from that world.

Nothing specific happened, that made me come back to this world. I just feel soooooo happy that I am back to normal. Talked to an old friend of mine today, and it just enhanced my happiness. I guess everyone needs the reassurance that you are not alone and there is some one or the other who cares for you. Moving forward in life, a lot of things change and we need to get adapted to it. And I take a lot of time to get adjusted to the changed environments, be it family or friends.

I have changed myself a lot in the past few months and I just realised it today. For eg:- I was not a person who would give it back to a person. I never used to argue back, irrespective of whether I was right or wrong. I would let the other person assume he was right. Nowadays I noticed that I have changed, I give it back without thinking for a sec. I don't know if I am doing the right thing or not. I just hope it doesn't cause any problems.

Oh yes.. I feel so peaceful. My mind seems to be in my control. I just wish I had some one next to me share this feeling right now.. I feel like jumping around. I know its very difficult to understand me, some times I myself cant understand ;)...

Thats how I feel

I came across the below words while browsing... It depicts my state of mind right now...

It feels like I’ve lost in a game that I didn’t even have a turn.
My heart still bleeds and eyes still burn.
I just didn’t know that our feelings would never coincide.
It seems after so many downfalls all that’s left is rain.
Just a feeling of never ending pain.
How can you put yourself out there to just be given back?
Matters of the heart just never seem to be on the right track.
You spend your entire life making people happy just to never be satisfied.
I miss the feeling of innocence, not knowing the meaning of pain.
When there were no ulterior motives, no heartaches to gain.
A friend is a friend and one till the end.
Till something comes by and the stakes are claimed.
Feelings of betrayal but no one to take the blame.
They’ve covered their tracks, they paved them with shame.
You build your life with dreams to have them ripped away.
Taken by the bitter hearted not knowing what they’ve started.
Well this is my story, it’s sad but it’s true.
You can’t trust that person unless that person is you.

Bad temper...

Today was not a great day.. one of the worst I would say.. One of my weakness took control over me.. my anger.. Had a major fight with my best friend.. an absolutely meaningless fight..

I don't know where its going to take me at this rate... Lot of relationships getting spoilt because this, leaving me all alone.. I am not able to stand this sudden loneliness. I need some support.. someone who cares me, loves me, accepts me the way I am..

I am not able to predict what I will do next. I am trying to control my anger. The only way I am able to handle is by keeping quiet. I am able to do it with people not so close to me or people who don't know me so well. But with people who really mean a lot to me, I am not able to keep quiet. I have become so intolerable for them.

My head feels like its going to blast. I don't know what I need to do. I want to be relaxed for some time. I was in this state just before I left from Bangalore.. I used to think it was because I was frustrated with the work. When I came here, it was a much needed change of environment for me. But now as soon as I got settled down, I am back to the same state. I have been trying to understand what my problem is, but not able to find it out..

I wonder at times whether I have some psychic problem or not.. other wise why would some one be like this... or maybe depression.. I was seriously thinking of taking professional help, but the same old ego or consciousness does not allow me to do it.

Earlier people who are not so close to me wouldn't recognise this state of mine, cos I know how to act so well and talk to them. Only people who knew me well were able to understand. Right now, its spreading to everyone. My mind, thoughts, words, actions are not staying in my control.

Its going to be almost 3 months since I have talked or mailed my close friends. I just don't feel like doing it. I have not even sent a mail or replied to their mails either.. Loneliness is what is haunting me right now.

I am really sorry to all those whom I have hurt with my anger. Please give me another chance...

Getting drunk...

I don't know what got into me today that I feel like getting drunk...
I want to know how it feels to get drunk.. I have seen people acting weird once they get drunk... I want to feel that euphoria ( If that's what the effect of alcohol is going to be on me ;) )


Well as a prologue, we had a party yesterday evening.. a couple of office colleagues to celebrate the so-called release of the product we were working on... All of them ordered drinks.. all varieties... Don't ask me the names cos I don't know them... I was the only one who ordered just soda.. Its not that I don't drink.. or have a problem with people drinking.. It was the first outing with the clients.. and I just didn't want to do it..
I do drink wine or cocktails or beer once in a while... But ya in such social occasions I haven't... I don't mind people drinking as long as they are within the limits and control...
People do tend to act funny after drinking.. Some of them start talking non stop, some become sad and start crying and some let out their long kept secrets when they get drunk. Its fun to watch some of them after getting drunk.


I have been going through mood swings in the past few days. Not been able to concentrate on work in office nor personal work after coming back from work. I don't have a particular reason for feeling low.. I just don't seem to get interested in anything around me right now... Have been having fights with my close friends... Everyone seems to be moving on with their lives and no one seems to be spending time with me.. I know its sounds crap, but ya that's whats running in my complex mind rite now...


So that's how the idea of getting drunk crept into my mind... ( No wonder they say drinking is a sin, the devil captivates you so fast ). If it could provide me with the much wanted relief, then I would certainly go for it. I just mentioned it to my room-mate( she hates people drinking while she is around ) and she said she would kick me out of the house if I do something like that. But then its definitely on my mind, I want to know how it feels when you are drunk. Just for the heck of it at least. I guess it should have some good effect otherwise people wouldn't be drinking.

So its a Friday evening right now and over the weekend, hope I get a chance to get drunk. Will post what happened if I do get drunk... :)

Why ??

Why is it that, when you are sad and low and look for a shoulder to cry, you don't find anyone around?

Why is it that, you want to say so many things when the person is not around, and don't say it when he is there?

Why is it that, the person who you love the most hurts you the most?

Why do we yearn so much for something which you know is not for you?

Why is it that, you are consoled only by the person who made you cry, in spite of others consoling you?

Why is it that, when I am sad, the world is not there to console me, but when I talk to a guy, the whole world looks only at me?

Why is it that, when I am on time to catch the bus, the bus is early, and when I am late the bus is on time?

Why is it that, when I complete the work on time it is meeting expectations and when my Manager does the same, it is exceeding all expectations?

Why is it that, when I want to book ticket, it is always full and otherwise it goes on a loss for the travels?

Why is it that, when I like an outfit, it is either too small or it is too big for me?

Why doesn't the server work when I want to work?

Why is it that, when you meet someone with whom you would want to spend your life time, you have to let go?

Why should I be my teacher, my guide, my inspiration and my everything?

Why are relationships hurting?

And finally...

How much ever you like someone and how much ever you want to be with them, it still doesn't happen !

At last...

Yipee...
After a lot of self motivation, I managed to create a blog for myself and here's my first post.
For me, this blog is a place to pen down my thoughts and feelings.
I feel so happy that I managed to do this after so much time.

Lets see how long I manage to keep up my motivation and determination.