Back to my normal senses..

After a long time, I have come back to my normal senses today. I feel so relieved or happy.. I don't know what words to put in to describe my current state. Past few weeks, I have been living in an altogether different world. Now I am back, with all the lessons learnt from that world.

Nothing specific happened, that made me come back to this world. I just feel soooooo happy that I am back to normal. Talked to an old friend of mine today, and it just enhanced my happiness. I guess everyone needs the reassurance that you are not alone and there is some one or the other who cares for you. Moving forward in life, a lot of things change and we need to get adapted to it. And I take a lot of time to get adjusted to the changed environments, be it family or friends.

I have changed myself a lot in the past few months and I just realised it today. For eg:- I was not a person who would give it back to a person. I never used to argue back, irrespective of whether I was right or wrong. I would let the other person assume he was right. Nowadays I noticed that I have changed, I give it back without thinking for a sec. I don't know if I am doing the right thing or not. I just hope it doesn't cause any problems.

Oh yes.. I feel so peaceful. My mind seems to be in my control. I just wish I had some one next to me share this feeling right now.. I feel like jumping around. I know its very difficult to understand me, some times I myself cant understand ;)...

Thats how I feel

I came across the below words while browsing... It depicts my state of mind right now...

It feels like I’ve lost in a game that I didn’t even have a turn.
My heart still bleeds and eyes still burn.
I just didn’t know that our feelings would never coincide.
It seems after so many downfalls all that’s left is rain.
Just a feeling of never ending pain.
How can you put yourself out there to just be given back?
Matters of the heart just never seem to be on the right track.
You spend your entire life making people happy just to never be satisfied.
I miss the feeling of innocence, not knowing the meaning of pain.
When there were no ulterior motives, no heartaches to gain.
A friend is a friend and one till the end.
Till something comes by and the stakes are claimed.
Feelings of betrayal but no one to take the blame.
They’ve covered their tracks, they paved them with shame.
You build your life with dreams to have them ripped away.
Taken by the bitter hearted not knowing what they’ve started.
Well this is my story, it’s sad but it’s true.
You can’t trust that person unless that person is you.

Bad temper...

Today was not a great day.. one of the worst I would say.. One of my weakness took control over me.. my anger.. Had a major fight with my best friend.. an absolutely meaningless fight..

I don't know where its going to take me at this rate... Lot of relationships getting spoilt because this, leaving me all alone.. I am not able to stand this sudden loneliness. I need some support.. someone who cares me, loves me, accepts me the way I am..

I am not able to predict what I will do next. I am trying to control my anger. The only way I am able to handle is by keeping quiet. I am able to do it with people not so close to me or people who don't know me so well. But with people who really mean a lot to me, I am not able to keep quiet. I have become so intolerable for them.

My head feels like its going to blast. I don't know what I need to do. I want to be relaxed for some time. I was in this state just before I left from Bangalore.. I used to think it was because I was frustrated with the work. When I came here, it was a much needed change of environment for me. But now as soon as I got settled down, I am back to the same state. I have been trying to understand what my problem is, but not able to find it out..

I wonder at times whether I have some psychic problem or not.. other wise why would some one be like this... or maybe depression.. I was seriously thinking of taking professional help, but the same old ego or consciousness does not allow me to do it.

Earlier people who are not so close to me wouldn't recognise this state of mine, cos I know how to act so well and talk to them. Only people who knew me well were able to understand. Right now, its spreading to everyone. My mind, thoughts, words, actions are not staying in my control.

Its going to be almost 3 months since I have talked or mailed my close friends. I just don't feel like doing it. I have not even sent a mail or replied to their mails either.. Loneliness is what is haunting me right now.

I am really sorry to all those whom I have hurt with my anger. Please give me another chance...

Getting drunk...

I don't know what got into me today that I feel like getting drunk...
I want to know how it feels to get drunk.. I have seen people acting weird once they get drunk... I want to feel that euphoria ( If that's what the effect of alcohol is going to be on me ;) )


Well as a prologue, we had a party yesterday evening.. a couple of office colleagues to celebrate the so-called release of the product we were working on... All of them ordered drinks.. all varieties... Don't ask me the names cos I don't know them... I was the only one who ordered just soda.. Its not that I don't drink.. or have a problem with people drinking.. It was the first outing with the clients.. and I just didn't want to do it..
I do drink wine or cocktails or beer once in a while... But ya in such social occasions I haven't... I don't mind people drinking as long as they are within the limits and control...
People do tend to act funny after drinking.. Some of them start talking non stop, some become sad and start crying and some let out their long kept secrets when they get drunk. Its fun to watch some of them after getting drunk.


I have been going through mood swings in the past few days. Not been able to concentrate on work in office nor personal work after coming back from work. I don't have a particular reason for feeling low.. I just don't seem to get interested in anything around me right now... Have been having fights with my close friends... Everyone seems to be moving on with their lives and no one seems to be spending time with me.. I know its sounds crap, but ya that's whats running in my complex mind rite now...


So that's how the idea of getting drunk crept into my mind... ( No wonder they say drinking is a sin, the devil captivates you so fast ). If it could provide me with the much wanted relief, then I would certainly go for it. I just mentioned it to my room-mate( she hates people drinking while she is around ) and she said she would kick me out of the house if I do something like that. But then its definitely on my mind, I want to know how it feels when you are drunk. Just for the heck of it at least. I guess it should have some good effect otherwise people wouldn't be drinking.

So its a Friday evening right now and over the weekend, hope I get a chance to get drunk. Will post what happened if I do get drunk... :)

Why ??

Why is it that, when you are sad and low and look for a shoulder to cry, you don't find anyone around?

Why is it that, you want to say so many things when the person is not around, and don't say it when he is there?

Why is it that, the person who you love the most hurts you the most?

Why do we yearn so much for something which you know is not for you?

Why is it that, you are consoled only by the person who made you cry, in spite of others consoling you?

Why is it that, when I am sad, the world is not there to console me, but when I talk to a guy, the whole world looks only at me?

Why is it that, when I am on time to catch the bus, the bus is early, and when I am late the bus is on time?

Why is it that, when I complete the work on time it is meeting expectations and when my Manager does the same, it is exceeding all expectations?

Why is it that, when I want to book ticket, it is always full and otherwise it goes on a loss for the travels?

Why is it that, when I like an outfit, it is either too small or it is too big for me?

Why doesn't the server work when I want to work?

Why is it that, when you meet someone with whom you would want to spend your life time, you have to let go?

Why should I be my teacher, my guide, my inspiration and my everything?

Why are relationships hurting?

And finally...

How much ever you like someone and how much ever you want to be with them, it still doesn't happen !

At last...

Yipee...
After a lot of self motivation, I managed to create a blog for myself and here's my first post.
For me, this blog is a place to pen down my thoughts and feelings.
I feel so happy that I managed to do this after so much time.

Lets see how long I manage to keep up my motivation and determination.